and
some of the results are published in this week's column.
Physio's Friend:
Four words can sum up the playing career of a typical physio's friend and
they are: 'lame for every game'. Pulled hamstrings, severed ligaments, sore
groins, you name it, and he has had it. Physiotherapists dream about
getting one of these players on their client list. He is the ideal customer.
Once a physio's friend has signed up, all financial worries can be forgotten.
With a guaranteed two trips a week, for injuries, either real or imagined,
the sick one will pay bills, mortgages and put children through university.
The Male Model:
It's easy to spot the male model at training sessions, He's the player
wearing the Cork jersey on Monday, Meath on Wednesday and Dublin on
Friday. Not only will he have the jersey, he'll also have the
accompanying shorts and socks. Male Models normally sport a healthy tan
for about six months of the year. He is the one player in the changing
room guaranteed to bring hair gel, shampoo and deodorant. After his
liberal application of deodorant, he can be difficult to see as he will be
enveloped in a cloud of sweet smelling mist. The Male Model despises the
fact that he must share his toiletries every week with some spongers.
However, he realises it is a necessary evil if he is to leave the changing
room looking and smelling his very best.
County Star (Club Hero):
He is the heartbeat of the team. This man sends himself to sleep at
night by counting O'Neill's footballs floating over a crossbar. Despite
huge commitments to the county panel, he will be a regular attender at
club training sessions. The Club Hero is highly valued, primarily for
his talent, but also for the example he provides other players. Club
heroes watch what they eat, go easy on the drink and refrain from
cigarettes. If they have one weakness, it's women. For some misguided
reason they are under the illusion that women are not detrimental to
your health.
County Star (The Invisible Man):
This other type of county footballer enjoys a love/hate, though mostly
hate, relationship with his club's supporters. They love him when he turns
up for matches because he can be the difference between winning and losing
a match. They hate him because they think he is a big headed poser, who
seeks only personal glory through his county team, while abandoning the very
club that taught him how to play the game.
Hard Ground Specialist:
Just as there are race horses that cannot cope with soft ground, so there
are footballers who feel ill-suited to early season training. Hard ground
specialists consider the dedicated winter trainers to be mere
point-to-pointers, whereas they are the genuine flat-race thoroughbred.
With the recent good weather, they will have started to appear at training
sessions throughout the country in their droves.
The Schoolboy:
The schoolboy has only one thing in his head: football. Carrying absolutely
no weight, the schoolboy runs just for the fun of it. Older players in the
team are jealous of schoolboys as they represent their lost youth. Junior
football is the traditional sacrificial ground where balding corner-backs
regularly obliterate frisky teenagers for no apparent reason. Schoolboys
are best advised to stay clear of these ageing veterans if they wish to stay
clear of serious injury.
The Student:
The transformation from schoolboy to student is as pronounced as that
of the caterpillar to butterfly. Where once he was a schoolboy whose only
ambition was to get on the senior team; the student discovers the
pleasures of wine, woman and song. Football is put way down the agenda.
For the first six months of his fresher year the student will have a
silly looking smile permanently attached to his face. A pot belly will
start to develop in his midriff. He will give the excuse of either
assignments or exams for his continued absence at training, yet there
will be repeated sightings of him in The Bot, The Fly, The M Club,
Lavery's, Renshaws, Duke's Hotel; you get the picture. The club hero will
try to lecture the student about the error of his ways, but it is hopeless,
he will be a lost soul for the next four years.
Due to space constraints these are all the players that can be described
today. Other players which could not be included were: Team Talker,
Psycho, Mr Excuses, and the Nearly Man. Others would include the one more
year man .... brought on with ten minutes to go to rapturous roars from the
crowd., never won a medal, jersey clinging to the belly, socks up around
the bandaged knee. Subject to rushes of blood to the head which guarantee a
ball to be ballooned into the stands after a headless thirty yard run driven
on by the crowd. The Horse ....... who has no football whatsoever, but is
there on pure brute strength alone, and would spend a full training session
lining up for a crack at either the Model, the Schoolboy, the Student or the
County Star!
Back